Recent Posts

28 June 2013

Prosciutto


When I was young, there was one kind of prosciutto.
It was made in the winter, by hand, and aged for two years.
It was sweet when you smelled it.
A profound perfume.

If it's too warm, the aging process never begins.
The meat spoils.
If it's too dry, the meat is ruined.
It needs to be damp but cool.

The summer is too hot.
In the winter—that's when you make salumi.
Your prosciutto.
Your soppressata.
Your sausages.




An old Italian butcher talking about making prosciutto, via Bill Buford, according to Wikipedia. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

26 June 2013

Magnetic


Magnetic Boys Talk

boots glue monster scary bones
racing moon helicopter aeroplane
tractor money lorry wizard conkers
frogs sticks mud dirt spiders snails
stones bubbles sweets flags magic
pond string grass rugby bug dogs
caterpillar cobweb worms dinosaur
dragon bike scooter forest treasure
climbing swinging skeleton running
ghost trees swimming lawnmower
treehouse blue football chocolate car

Magnetic Girls Talk

clothes hairband heart love sparkle
perfume beads necklace furry lipstick
ribbon handbag wand glitter fairies
fluff candy flowers wings sherbet
bubbles sweets pink make-up skipping
magic dancing ballet bunnies rainbow
ladybird lemonade stars sky shoes
chocolate doll party secret diary hair
jewels princess queen tiara ice-cream
teddy music sunshine birds butterfly
sugar angel diamond cooking friends




'Favourite Boys words' and 'favourite Girls words' as found on fridge magnets, via The Kraken Wakes. Submitted by Simon Williams.

24 June 2013

A Pet Rock


You can look at the rock

and call it a pet,
even though it does nothing.
God does not have to live up to prayers.

He does not have to
solve world hunger, war, poverty.
He just has to sit there

and you are content.




Taken from "God, The Pet Rock", a blogpost on RationalHub.com. Submitted by Tanya J. Reed.

21 June 2013

German Undershirts


Just the way they feel against my skin
it must be some special kind of German cotton
I don’t know
I put one on
it slides over my skin
and immediately I see a whole world
that city where I lived
where I did so many things
like Oz, a strange place
but most of its was beautiful!
I see my flat where I used to live
staying up all night with music
and dancing and crazy things
I smell the coal again
and the snow
just from this undershirt
I bought the child’s size
Germans are much bigger than I am
they’re really big ladies
they’re like beautiful Walkyries
I missed my German undershirts
then I found them on the internet
made in Germany
the quality is unbelievable
they last forever




From a product review on German Amazon. Punctuation removed. Submitted by Grace Andreacchi.

19 June 2013

Birth of the Suwannee


Cypress trees,
bottle-shaped, grotesque,
reach from the wine-colored water,
form a canopy. Light is weird and green.

Banners of
Spanish moss hide
the feathery foliage of
living trees, cover up dead stumps.

Through the vast
drowned swamp two tiny
streams creep sluggishly to join
at last before a spit of quaking land.




From Suwannee River Strange Green Land, Cecile Hulse Matschat (1938). Submitted by Dawn Corrigan.

17 June 2013

Fundamentally Curious


It’s an act so
immense, so apparently monstrous and yet
deeply personal that it’s
almost
impossible to judge.
He erased himself, and all
those 8,000 souls, for

one woman.

Because he loved her.

There’s something
terrifying
in that kind of love, something that asks
for so much
it can’t possibly be returned,

or ignored.




Taken from an AV Club review of the Star Trek: Deep Space Nine episode "Children of Time". "Possible" has been corrected to "possibly" in line 14. Submitted by Wesley Brown.

14 June 2013

Semenology


fructose sugar
water
ascorbic acid
citric acid
enzymes
protein
zinc

and more!




From Semen Health Benefits: It Really Does Have All The Nutrients Of A Protein Shake, Huffington Post, 5 June 2013. Punctuation changed. Submitted by Richard Eno.

12 June 2013

Advice from Metta World Peace to Jeremy Lin


Yeah, we talk
about him. We think
he needs a better
haircut. I don’t
like that style.
You’re in New
York, the fashion
capital. Change
your haircut, OK?
You’re a star now.
Wear some
shades. Shades,
OK? Put down
the nerdy Harvard
book glasses. Put on
some black shades,
OK? With some leather
pants. Change
your style.
Fashion.
You’re Jeremy Lin,
for godsakes…
You’re in New
York City. Put
your hat on
backwards. Come
to practice with
your pants sagging
and just tell
them, I don’t feel
like practicing.
Practice?
You know? Practice?
And wear
an Iverson jersey.
Come to practice
with a cigar. Lit.
I’m Jeremy Lin.




From Metta to Lin: Get some swag, CBS Sports, 10 February 2012. Submitted by Brett Foster.

10 June 2013

Skint


Emma
I want better for Tai
I want just a normal life
Just where I can get up in the morning
Get Tai off to school or whatever
Get about my housework
Do you know what I mean?

Do things with Tai at the weekend
Save up for holidays
Do you know what I mean?

I want it to be where eventually
I’m off the methadone and everything
Maybe even go back to college
Do a counsellors course
I’ll get a little office job or summat

Just normal
Do you know what I mean?

Gail
My partner died
He was thirty-seven years old when he died
To see him come off heroin
get his life sorted out
and then to go on drink
and then to die
through drink
it’s hard
It’s really hard

Life throws some things at you sometimes,
don’t it?
And you’ve just got to get on with it
You’ve got to be strong
And if you’re not strong,
and you’re weak
you fall apart,
don’t you?

Skye
Yeah, but it’s because I can
because I can do it
and I wanna do it
I can
so I don’t give a fuck
Do you know what I mean?

Do you know what, yeah?
that’s sticking up for your mates that
She’d booted her in the stomach
and winded her
so I just went over
I was just like
Boom

Dropped her
Banged her
Fucked her up
Stamped on her head
and everything

Tracey
Since I’ve lost me kids
I don’t care anymore
What else have I go to lose
apart from my head?
I regret the prostitution
and not fighting a bit harder
for me kids
but you can’t turn the clock back,
can you?
If you could,
we’d all have perfect lives,
wouldn’t we?




Taken from episode 4 of the Channel 4 series Skint. Submitted by Lisa Oliver.

07 June 2013

All Correct


We anthropologists
have to be
as gender neutral
in our language
as possible.

That's why I say critters a lot.




From a college classroom lecture, overhead in the hallway. Submitted by J.R Solonche.

05 June 2013

Skidegate


House to which the high tide comes
House unknown
Fort house
Grizzly bear house
Grizzly bear’s mouth’s house
House making a noise
House of dishes
Box house
House unknown
House of contentment
House unknown
House of the stormy sea
Grizzly bear house (again)
House unknown
House unknown
Thunder and lightning house
Shining house
Dugout house - Chief Skidegate’s house
House in which people must shout to be heard
Eldjiwus’s house
Chief’s house
Raven’s house
House chiefs peep at from a distance
Mountain house
House on which storm clouds make a noise
Killer-whale house
Always wanting more house
Mosquito hawk house
House people are ashamed to look at - it is so great
Fin house




From a diorama in the Canadian Museum of Civilization, Ottawa, noted around 2000. Translations of house names from the original native American dialect of the Haida people. Submitted by Simon Williams.

03 June 2013

I hope...


I hope you always get your squash to water ratio wrong;
the new carpet in your office means that you constantly get static shocks;
you approach someone in the street and you both move to the same side
and the top comes off your salt pot and you get too much on your chips -
not loads, just too much for them to be nice.

I hope you’re offered a Revel and get the coffee one;
the next delivery you’re to receive between 8am-6pm arrives at 5.59;
in the middle of the night you need a wee, and in the dark end up standing on a lego brick
and you make toast one day, really looking forward to toast and jam,
and don’t have any jam.

I hope you accidentally get given a foreign coin in your change;
you discover the milk is off only once you’ve added it to your tea;
you can’t play your favourite pentatonic song because you’ve removed the black keys
and you ask for The Wicker Man on dvd for your birthday
and get the Nicolas Cage remake.

I hope your tattoo artist can’t spell Britain.




Selected from tweets with the hashtag #Edlmisfortunes. Semicolons have been added to the first two lines of each stanza; 'and' has been added to the beginning of line 4. Submitted by Angi Holden.