Beijing Brush

Brushes the wool smoothly sift,
full is not tightly easy
to fall off wool,
bright, rich, the touch is gentle
may with ease brush the cosmetics
evenly frivolous
naturally has just right.

The color nature easy to stick
to the silt, but sweeps the powder
evenly, lasting durable,
with the flesh close-fitting,
makeup effects on a more refined
and delicate, presents the perfect
tidal current cosmetics.



Blurb on the cardboard wrapping of a retractable makeup brush from China. Submitted by Cathy Bryant.

Fried bread

Taiwan’s hand grasp bread
A legendary experience of dough
It’s just doomed earthshaking. Because the
inoculation of thousands have experienced and
iceberg … Finally one thousand reopen. You see
it … The cold of each lovely white body.
Experienced pressed on warm body … Clean and
attractive turning on the state of the body. Blood
in the body boiling. Inflation. Tempestuous … A
lovely stunner available. Curse. Wrapped in
white silk garments of thin layer. Extremely
upset, body of waving … Use hand grasp, surface
silk involvement.

You move?



From a poster advertisement on a small fried bread stand in China. Transcribed by Sean Wilkerson and Herbert Woodward Martin.

Thirteen

Try to avoid your movements
in long lonely road after sunset,
which approaches the beach
where there is a poor light.



Item 13 of a photocopied 'Advice to tourists' sheet, handed out upon arriving at Kudle Beach, Gokarna, India. Submitted by John K.

The Passenger and the Privy

I am arrive by passenger train Ahmedpur station
and my belly is too much swelling with jackfruit.
I am therefor went to privy.

Just I doing the nuisance that guard
making whistle blow for train to go off
and I am running with LOTAH in one hand
and DHOTI in the next

when I am fall over and expose all shocking
to man and female women on platform.
I am got leaved Ahmedpur station.

This too much bad, if passenger go to make dung
that dam guard not wait train minutes for him.
I am therefor pray your honour to make big fine
on that guard for public sake.

Otherwise I am making big report to papers.



A letter of complaint sent in 1909 to the Sahibganj divisional railway office in West Bengal. Source: New Delhi Railway Museum, via Letters of Note. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

The Complaining Lunch Queue Riposte

However the children complain
that they have to wait
they are hungry
they have less choices
they should even not have to wait
because they have their own lunch—
maybe this is all done deliberately
maybe temporarily
in order to teach them patience.

Why not?
They are not starving to death.
Should everything be easy?
Life is not like that.

Personally I trust the school.

From a Google groups message written by a parent at my child's primary school. He wrote it as a reply to a stream of complaints from other parents that their children were having to wait too long to get their lunch. Commas removed. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Hamlet R.I.P.

Hamlet was a young man very nervous.
He was always dressed in black because his
uncle had killed his father, shooting him
in his ear. He could not go to the
theatre because his father was dead
so he had the actors come to his house
and play in the front parlor and he learned
them to say the words because he thought he
knew best how to say them. And then he thought
he’d kill the king but he didn’t. Hamlet
liked Ophelia. He thought she was a
very nice girl but didn’t marry her
because she was going to be a nunnery.
Hamlet went to England but he did not
like it very much so he came home. Then
he jumped into Ophelia’s grave and
fought a duel with her brother. Then he died.



From 'English as She Is Taught: Genuine Answers to Examination Questions in Our Public Schools, 1887,' as featured on Futility Closet. 'By' removed from line 3 and 'he' from line 12 to keep the decasyllabic pattern. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

When I'm Seventy-Five

It's very difficult to fall in love
when you are seventy-five
because, at that age,
people are not delicious.



A quote from a colleague's English Language student. Submitted by Miriam.

This is the cow

This is the cow. She must be milked every morning so that she will produce milk and the milk must be boiled in order to be mixed with coffee to make coffee and milk.
–Gabriel Garcia Marquez, 'One Hundred Years of Solitude'

The cow is a successful animal.
Also he is quadrupud, and because
he is female, he give milk, but will do
when he is got child. He is same like God,
sacred to Hindus and useful to man.
But he has got four legs together.
Two are forward and two are afterwards.

His motion is slow only because he
is of asitudinious species.
Also his other motion is useful
to trees, plants as well as making flat cakes
in hand and drying in the sun. Cow is
the only animal that extricates
his feeding after eating. Then afterwards
she chew with his teeth whom are situated
in the inside of the mouth. He is
incessantly in the meadows in the grass.

His only attacking and defending
organ is the horn, specially so when
he is got child. This is done by knowing
his head whereby he causes the weapons
to be paralleled to the ground of earth
and instantly proceed with velocity
forwards.

He has got tails also, but not
like similar animals. It has hairs
on the other end of the other side.
This is done to frighten away the flies
which alight on his cohoa body
whereupon he gives hit with it.

The palms
of his feet are soft unto the touch. So
the grasses head is not crushed. At night time
have poses by looking down on the ground
and he shouts his eyes like his relatives,
the horse does not do so. This is the cow.



From a supposedly genuine essay on the subject of 'the cow', written by a student for the Indian Civil Services Exam. Undated. A few minor words have been removed to maintain the natural decasyllabic rhythm: so (from line 3); much (10); the (22); great (23). Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

In Case of a German

Between dog and wolf
– horse horse tiger tiger –
rabbit skins are falling.

A mute eating yellow lotus,
like a bee to a crying face;
thinking about the immortality of the crab.
It rains enough to drink while standing up.

The devil knows more for being old
than for being the devil. He'd steal 
your chickens and beg for eggs.
Speaking of Cao Cao, Cao Cao is here:
he's trying to shit higher than his ass can reach.

Never say that priest is not my dad –
this ain't my first rodeo.
Every creature that walks ends up in a grill.
If you are going to screw me, at least give me 
a kiss, oiling your moustache in anticipation
of the jackfruit tree bearing fruit.



Foreign sayings from a multitude of other languages, including the title (from Polish), all taken from a Reddit discussion about culturally untranslatable phrases started 3 December 2010. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Les Americains in Paris

N’avez-vous pas des griddle-cakes?
Quelle espèce de dump is this, anyhow?
Appelez-vous cela coffee?

Où est le N.Y. Times?


What’s the matter?
Don’t you understand English?


De tous les pays godams que j’ai vu.

Je n’ai pas vu une belle femme jusqu’à présent.
Ici est où nous used to come
quand j’étais ici pendant la guerre.


Say, ceci est de la bière vrai!

O boy! Deux semaines from tomorrow
nous sail for home. Sogleich wir zu hause sind,
geh ich zum Childs und eine tasse kaffee
und ein glass eiswasser kaufen.



The translated Phrases most in demand by American visitors to Paris, compiled by Robert Benchley, via Futility Closet, 7 October 2010. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

In the Vegetable Orchestra

Then, let's introduce the vegetable musical
instruments that can have been done this time.

It is a carrot ocarina first.

And, it is an ocarina of a white radish
in Japan that can have done this time.

The broccoli ocarina was made.

A good sound was not heard because only
such a broccoli was obtained this time.

And, a carrot ocarina of the slide type
and this carrot ocarina is different
the sound hole. When the breath is put here,
something is heard. It shaped … so …

The paprika was punctured.
When the breath is put here,
such a sound is heard.
It is an owl.

Similarly asparagus panpipe was made.
However, a good sound is not heard.
It is a trumpet of the cucumber
and the paprika in the end.

There were musical instruments that looked
alike also in the vegetable orchestra.



Suggested by Jason Davies. Composed from the subtitles on a YouTube clip in which a man demonstrates musical instruments made from vegetables. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Teatime at Everybody

The cake

which my mama burned
is what is more delicious
than the cake of the store
of the throat in the world.
Therefore, daily teatime enjoys
itself very much and it is!



Text on a Japanese cake wrapper, spotted 11 February 2010. The line arrangement is original – even prompting poetry in the comments under the original post on engrish.com. Submitted by Nathan Lechler.

Please Secure Catches

Please secure catches
and latches
and barrel bolts,
fitted to doors,
and windows
(especially at night).

From Andrew, 'from an Indian sleeper railway carriage my family took once.' Seen in 1993.

Munch Love

Hi Lisa, I hope you became my E-mail
in December. How are you? I'm good.
My work is very bissy and not to easy.
The old people there are doing crasy thinks,
I have munch work and I need munch time
for the old people. But not every day
is the same, a little bit I like my shop.

At the moment, we have a 90 years old
lady in ouer home, and she is so sweet
and friendly, I like her so munch. She is full
of Love with Jesus, sometimes I go to her
and we talk over Jesus, over her
interesting life its so nice. She pray for me
and for the old people in ouer home.
She is lovly.

Mario and me, we are happy.
Its good to see him daily, it isnt boring
with him and we get along well.
I seed your a picture of Mario and me.
Can you send Helen a lot of since
and also Gabriel and Esme and little
Harry. And can ask Helen have she became
my cake to Christmas Thanks. I hope I hear
from you.



This email to Lisa came from a German girl who we got to know in 2004. She came over to the UK for a few weeks, to improve her English. She sent the email on her return to Germany. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.