Spring is here

I've just been amazed at how rapidly
the last few weeks have flown by - like
tiny little birds not like
Canadian geese
who are like the B52s
of the Avian world.
I have more bird poop
on my car recently.
Spring is here.



An email from my boyfriend. Submitted by Debby Thompson.

Dear Shirley

Olive Garden’s new breadstick bun sandwiches
are makdeplanedg their debut
across AmBelaica this week

cashede of these days disbelieving June,
I thchengk you should plashedch yourself
somewhgonofe and then follow
an Olive Garden truck.

I suppose they will make it to
Tucsfertilisations, Ariz.,
but I am not sure if any of them
will get to the Forks.

I dbordered’t know about you, Shirley,
but I always have enjoyed the skIshtarny
breadstick buns with soup and/or salad
foundlings Olive Garden …

Thexemptionse will be people who
cbioecologisttJapanizationsue
gobblgrandparenthoodg
up the unlimited sklampreynianions buns.

Thbackhause probably will be people
optcloaksg for the new fentrantstblended
bun sandwiches.

Nobody federalization Olive Garden
evcheesed asked me whgroups I thought.
I just wrote down some

obsanathematisingvingrowthsienswathes
three years ago and ended up braided
nbufferedifaintheartednessal televisidefencive shows.

This is a crazy world we live grotesquery.
We stopped exalters this Olive Garden
for a ldespoile denamelingsngone.

We all had the soup and salad,
and it was vLatinisesy good.
We noticed thintegral the bread sticks

winjunctivee diffdivisionent
from othdecrepitly Olive Gardens'.
They seemed to have less
buttimmoderation and garlic.

The scontemporizingvice was a bit slow,
but it was adequcommiserativee.
The restaurant was busy,
even highwayman a lchillnesse hour.

The place was clean
and nicely
decoradolescentsed.



Almost invisibly small text at the bottom of a phishing email that appeared to be from a restaurant chain. Submitted by Manfred Gabriel and Dale Wisely.

Typo in a Dead Language

The scene is in a synagogue,
but the word probably has nothing to do with religion.
It seems that the butchers in town
were either at fault, or the ones faulted.
Something about meat being sent out of the shtetl,
and the butchers collecting money.
Those protesting in half-mumbled sentences
end their words with "kupkes kupkes"
or possibly "kuFkes kuFkes."
I don't see how hats or head-coverings would be involved,
unless it was somehow used as a symbol of protest
(maybe something "socialist," like waving the flag,
or similar to the Bund motto: sher un ayzn [scissors and iron])
or something like throwing down a gauntlet
(in this case a hat - maybe like the Muslims throw shoes)
or used as a swear word or curse...
and someone else suggested a typo (twice?).



From a discussion about the Yiddish word 'kupkes' on Mendele, a moderated mailing related to the Yiddish language. Original post on this page (vol23011.txt), 9 November 2013. Submitted by Howie Good.

Dear Professor,

I have been feeling dizzy and lightheaded this morning
and want to let you know
that I will not be making it to class.

I am currently in bed with a migraine.
Unfortunately, they happen from time to time.

I'm really not feeling well again today
so I think I have to miss class again.

I'm in a class right now where I'll be taking a test,
but I've been sick for a while (coughing, throat,
headache, etc.) and don't know if I'll have the energy
to sit in a classroom for three hours.

I'm currently experiencing bad wheelchair problems
that will, as of now, render me unable to get to class tomorrow.

Just reminding you that I am missing class Thursday
to attend the SUNY Model EU summit
in New York City as a part of the Press Corps.

I had to miss today's journalism class due to heart palpitations.

Please excuse my absence tomorrow,
a family friend committed suicide and I rushed home.

I will get the notes from a classmate.



E-mails received from students during spring and fall 2013 semesters at SUNY New Paltz. Submitted by Howie Good.

Swiftly

I am going to be a bit of a crush on you
and your lovely email address and
password for the first time today
and get a different thing to do it
for you to the gin bar in the UK who
are you a call on the anti-Russia
LGBT backlash the UK and Ireland
and the other day and night and
I am a beautiful person to person
who is the best address to to
the café now and then you came to
the the the the the the the
the the the the the the the
the the the the the the the



Text created by accepting all the predictive text suggestions made by the Swiftkey typing app, 11th August 2013. Submitted by Marika Rose.

Valentine

You haven’t forgotten
Anastasia
Marina
Natasha
have you?
i hope you stay well.

will you be my valentine?
there are no
obligations.
no fee to pay

this chance comes just once
in a lifetime
again
this chance comes
just once
in a lifetime

Svetlana is waiting.



A compilation of various subject lines from my Spam box. Submitted by Mr. Wilson.

London Scarves

I began to notice scarves.
Chaps with scarves
particularly.

There's the bohemian scarf
worn by elegant chaps
in the environs around Buckingham Palace
and among thespians,
a rather loose-tied scarf
loping down from the neck,
showing an elegant
carelessness.

There's the university flick,
which has one leg dangling
down the front
and a single wind
around the throat
and the other leg dangling
down the back - a little bit
Dr Who
and a little bit juvenile lead.

There's the good boy scarf,
neatly folded in front
and tucked in tight to protect
the throat and the chest,
no doubt with a Vicks rub
underneath.

There's the scarf which is wound
round and round
the throat, the throttling scarf,
or I don't care if anybody knows
I'm wearing a scarf but I really need to
keep warm.

Then there's that funny Italian double loop
which arrived a couple of years ago,
where you shove both ends
through the loop
and bring it round your throat
and flash it off
in rather an unnecessarily
vain way,
although, it has to be confessed
(I'm afraid I've tried it once or twice),
is very warm.



From the BBC Radio 4 In Our Time newsletter from Melvyn Bragg, emailed 31 January 2013. Submitted by Lesley Ingram.

Top Floor, Duke William

An upstairs room
with red and gold chairs,
military pictures,
a dumb waiter.
A corner bar
with interesting lights-
An intriguing locked cabinet.
And below,
a framed photograph
of the queen.


Taken from an update email sent to a poetry group after a meeting on 21st October in the Duke of William pub, Matlock. 'And' has been added to line 8. Submitted by Margaret.

The Clan

Malcolm was dreadful
John was quite damaged
Malcolm and Kitty were part of the Fabian set
like Bloomsbury in sexual licence
but with more socialism and less art


Taken from an email discussing the Muggeridge family. Some punctuation omitted. Submitted by Grace Andreacchi.

In Other News

I always go
for the beheading option
but
when I've calmed down
realise
that it’s not possible
in a free market economy

Anyway how are you?

I’ve been writing
even tweeted the National Gallery

All I need now is a job,
a relationship
and a cup of tea (not
necessarily
in that order)


Taken from a friend's email, 26 September 2012. Some words have been omitted between 'National Gallery' and 'All I need'. Submitted by Ailsa Holland.

Richard Stallman's rider 5

Sightseeing

A nonet

Please tell me then what unusual
music and dance forms are present;
I can tell you if I am
interested. If there is
a chance to see folk
dancing, I would
probably
enjoy
that.



From the detailed requirements that free software activist Richard Stallman sends ahead of his speaking engagements. 'Then' added in the first line to make up the syllables. Submitted by Gabriel Smy. Part five of a five-part poem.

Richard Stallman's rider 4

Food

Or, You need to know what I dislike

avocado, eggplant, usually
(there are occasional exceptions)
hot pepper, olives, liver
(even in trace quantities)

stomach and intestine, other organ meats
cooked tuna, oysters, egg yolk
if the taste is noticeable,
except when boiled completely hard

many strong cheeses, especially those
with green fungus, desserts
that contain fruit or liqueur flavors
sour fruits, such as grapefruit

and many oranges, beer, coffee
though weak coffee flavor can be good
in desserts, the taste of alcohol
so I don't drink anything stronger than wine



From the detailed requirements that free software activist Richard Stallman sends ahead of his speaking engagements. Submitted by Gabriel Smy. Part four of a five-part poem.

Richard Stallman's rider 3

Hospitality

Sijo

I grew up in the middle of the world's biggest city,
I have crossed streets without assistance in the chaotic traffic
of Bangalore and Delhi. Leave me alone when I cross streets.




From the detailed requirements that free software activist Richard Stallman sends ahead of his speaking engagements. Submitted by Gabriel Smy. Part three of a five-part poem.

Richard Stallman's rider 2

Pets

I like cats if they are friendly,
but they are not good for me;
I am somewhat allergic to them.
This allergy

makes my face itch and my eyes
water. So the bed, and the room
I will usually be staying in,
need to be clean of cat hair.

However, it is no problem
if there is a cat elsewhere
in the house – I might enjoy it
if the cat is friendly.

Dogs that bark angrily
and or jump up on me
frighten me, unless they are small
and cannot reach above my knees.

But if they only bark or jump
when we enter the house,
I can cope, as long as you
hold the dog away from me

at that time. Aside from that
issue, I'm ok with dogs.
If you can find a host for me
that has a friendly parrot,

I will be very very glad.
If you can find someone who
has a friendly parrot I can
visit with, that will be nice too.

DON'T buy a parrot figuring
that it will be a fun surprise
for me. To acquire a parrot
is a major decision:

it is likely to outlive you.
If you don't know how to treat
the parrot, it could be emotionally
scarred and spend many decades

feeling frightened and unhappy.
If you buy a captured wild
parrot, you will promote a cruel
and devastating practice,

and the parrot will be emotionally
scarred before you get it.
Meeting that sad animal
is not an agreeable surprise.



From the detailed requirements that free software activist Richard Stallman sends ahead of his speaking engagements. Omitted words: 'even' (line 11), 'much' (16). Submitted by Gabriel Smy. Part two of a five-part poem.

Richard Stallman's rider 1

Facilities

Or, A microphone is desirable if the room is large

A supply of tea with
milk and sugar
would be nice.
If it is tea I really like,
I like it without
milk and sugar.

With milk and sugar.
any kind of tea is fine.
I always bring tea bags with me,
so if we use my tea bags,
I will certainly like that tea without
milk or sugar.




From the detailed requirements that free software activist Richard Stallman sends ahead of his speaking engagements. Italics added for effect. Submitted by Gabriel Smy. Part one of a five-part poem.

Found Shaunette

When I first drove
the Carlisle/ Wiltshire commute,
I’d do it southbound non-stop.

It was four hours or so
and I was keen to get home.

But, when they started the road-works,
it drew out and I started making stops:
two usually (Tebay and one other).

Some mornings I’d leave Swindon at 4AM
and head north for a 9AM meeting.

I have not been south of Manchester since July.


An email from a friend, Shaunette, sent in June 2011. Submitted by Martin.

We wanted to let you know

The dog Billy died
on a rainy cold evening.
He had stopped eating
and exploratory surgery
found a long cancer.
He fitted right in with us,
his stoic cautious cooperative self.
He was with us for 5 years, perhaps half his life.
It feels very empty here today.
We lit a candle and played the Requiem
by Mozart.



An email from a friend, around 5 years ago, on the death of their dog. Submitted by Karen Greenbaum-Maya.

The Complaining Lunch Queue Riposte

However the children complain
that they have to wait
they are hungry
they have less choices
they should even not have to wait
because they have their own lunch—
maybe this is all done deliberately
maybe temporarily
in order to teach them patience.

Why not?
They are not starving to death.
Should everything be easy?
Life is not like that.

Personally I trust the school.

From a Google groups message written by a parent at my child's primary school. He wrote it as a reply to a stream of complaints from other parents that their children were having to wait too long to get their lunch. Commas removed. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

DEAR COMPETENT

There are a lot of secret camera which
in my house,
in my toilet,
in my bedroom,
in my bathroom,
at my clothes
and in my eye glasses
from 2002 until now.
In turkey businessman
Yahya and his son Avni
spy me seven days and twenty-four hours.

I apply to public prosecutor
at many times.
But public prosecutor of turkey doesn’t
do something until now.

They know where I am
and my life is in hell
by the Yahya and Fetullah’s friends

they put urine of bottle on my road.
somebody drives car direct on me.
somebody threaten me sometimes.

I always see disabled human on my road.
thus they destroy my psychology.
prostitute always disturb me.
somebody blaspheme to my father and mother.
A lot of people laugh to me.

This psychology war
are done by Yahya in 2002-2006.
from the 2007 this psychology war
is done by the Fetullah and newspaper’s man
which name is Zaman.
Fetullah’s friends threaten me
everytime.

I apply to prime minister TAYYİP,
president of the republic ABDULLAH,
Office of the prosecutor,
justice minister
and police department,

All of them didn’t do anything.
I want you to help me.

YOURS FAİTHFULLY



Bizarre email spam received on 26 September 2011, with last names removed to allow for the slim possibility that these are real people. Submitted by Tom Cashman.

I'll never forget the moment we kissed

I'll never forget the moment we kissed,
the night of the hayride –
that flash-in-the-pan magic moment
that makes your hair stand on end.
Could be the surge forward
as the house lights fade,
a glance from the lead singer
or a badly timed scissor kick from a trombone player.



Part of an email update from Koko, 10 June 2011. 'It is all about' removed from line 3. Submitted by Laura.