Almost never losing

My whole life is about winning.
I don’t lose often.

I have a great relationship with the Mexican people.

All of the women on The Apprentice
flirted with me – consciously
or unconsciously.
That’s to be expected.

I have a great relationship with the blacks.

I better use some Tic Tacs
in case I start kissing her.
You know I’m automatically attracted
to beautiful women,
I just start kissing them,
it’s like a magnet.
You know when you’re a star they let you do it.
You can do anything.
Grab them by the pussy.
You can do anything.

I have tremendous respect for the Japanese people.

You know, it really doesn’t matter what they write
as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.
But she’s got to be young and beautiful.

Part of the beauty of me
is that I am very rich.
A person who is very flat-chested
is very hard to be a 10.

Black entertainers love Donald Trump.

Well, someone’s doing the raping, Don!
I mean, somebody’s doing it.
Who’s doing the raping?

With the proper woman you don’t need Viagra.

I almost never lose.

Who’s doing the raping?



Things that Donald Trump has said, found on The Collected Donald Trump and 32 quotes that sum up Donald Trump’s election campaign. Submitted by Liam Gresby.

It is forbidden

It is highly forbidden
To charge for a long time
Under unattended condition
So as to avoid the accident

It is highly forbidden
To decompose
Or disassemble
The battery

Batteries are forbidden
To be used
Or kept
Under high temperature

When charging the battery
Covering the charger
Or battery
Is highly forbidden

Batteries are forbidden
To be stored
Or transported
With the metal object

Batteries are forbidden
To be thrown in the fire
Or get heated

Metal is forbidden
To connect directly
With the polarity
Of the battery

It is highly forbidden
To upside down
The polarity
Of the battery



From the user instructions for a Cheerson mini drone. Submitted by Allison Jeanne.

Fail better

1
Is this your career?
Seriously?
Get a real job!
Writing postcards doesn't count!

2
Turn up the television.
Anyone can do it.

3
I don’t get it.
The window has shut.
Don't you even care?
Success depends upon money!
Asides must be dumped.

4
Your house is burning.
We're out of vodka.
Your document is blank.
It’s a good start.



Entries from a competition to spoil a writer's mood in 4 words. Submitted by Howie Good.

The Ladies’ Love Oracle

It will be too glorious.
Go to your ruin, if you will.
It is needful that he be very good; yes, in spite of delays.
He will love you for a month.
Yes, at a country ball.

Wait, you will congratulate yourself,
Do not be uneasy.
You would be wrong by appearing frank and open.
Your least virtue.

No, my fine lady; be upon your guard.
By a more careful toilet, without doubt.
He’ll be handsome, like your present one.
The future will teach you it.

You ought not to hope. Why not, if you love him?
Yes, from midday to midnight.
Could you do without it?
Many things are opposed to it.

By a skillfully-managed intrigue
Don’t wait for it, you’ll only lose time.
Yes, a hussar. Yes, all except one.
Thy wit equals thy beauty.

Continue to ignore him.
You must renounce the world.
Handsome body, but deformed mind.
He smokes his segar and forgets you.

Count no more upon it.
It is useless.



Answers to oracle questions from Madam Le Marchand’s Fortune Teller and Dreamer’s Dictionary, published in 1863. Submitted by Lori Hahnel.

Craig's List, Hope's Personals

I am real.
And.
I hope you are too.

It rained in the morning.
Hope. Your. Our. There.
Friends, I hope.

I hope you find happiness
losing hope in women.

I hope I can find
someone tonight.



Craigslist Houston listings for 'Hope' including full words only, extracted 22 May 2016. Submitted by Jody T. Morse.

A visit

Every place on earth should be like this; unexpected.
On a good day, you can see forever.

Restful sleep for a windy place.
Tranquility is a marvelous experience
sound of meadowlarks in the morning, music
for the body.
Breath and love are everything.

This is sort of my home town.
Where my father went to school,
took piano lessons.

I had stitches on my hand in this place –

Nice to be back home,
to see the old schoolroom and
place where I was born

Different than I remember it as

Hope we weren’t too much trouble.
Thanks for the beer.

(You will remember me by the broken chair)



Entries in the visitors' guest book at the Convent Inn in Val Marie, Saskatchewan, Canada, noted during a visit in the autumn of 2006. Submitted by Shannon Bruyneel.

Spring is here

I've just been amazed at how rapidly
the last few weeks have flown by - like
tiny little birds not like
Canadian geese
who are like the B52s
of the Avian world.
I have more bird poop
on my car recently.
Spring is here.



An email from my boyfriend. Submitted by Debby Thompson.

I NEED A PHONE!

I NEED TO USE THE PHONE!
NO ONE WILL LET ME USE THE PHONE
Did you try the Shell?
YES!
Did you try the motel up the street?
YES!
I NEED A CIGARETTE
NO ONE WILL LET ME USE THE PHONE!
What do you need the phone for?
I NEED TO CALL MY PHARMACIST BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!
Your pharmacist?
YES!
I NEED TO USE THE PHONE!
NO ON WILL LET ME USE THE PHONE!
CAN I HAVE A CIGARETTE!
Sure. Here you go.
THANKS!
I NEED TO USE THE PHONE!
I NEED TO CALL MY PHARMACIST!
DO YOU HAVE A LIGHT!
Yes, here you go.
I NEEEEEED TO USSSEE THE PHOOOONNNNEEE!
Well I'm sorry I don't have one.
WHY WON'T ANYONE LET ME USE THE PHONE!
I NEED TO CALL MY DEALER!
CAN I USE YOUR PHONE!
DO YOU HAVE AN EXTRA CIGARETTE!
I NEED TO USE THE PHONE!



A conversation I had with a lady near my job at a Family Services office in Surrey, UK, 10 May 2016. Submitted by Wanda Kehewin.

Of Monarchs and Milkweed

With the cacophony
of Interstate 35 traffic as a backdrop,
Tyler Seiboldt stands
on the side
of the freeway

with three other researchers,
all
scanning the ground.
Three ragweed, Seiboldt says to the group.
Litter one adds, Julian Chavez,

a research assistant
in the environmental science department.

Their seemingly indecipherable utterances
are the start of two days’ study
of plants along the interstate

from San Antonio
to Laredo
and back again.



From Of Monarchs & Milkweed by Michelle Mondo, Sombrillo, The UTSA Magazine. Submitted by Ash Connell.

Dear Shirley

Olive Garden’s new breadstick bun sandwiches
are makdeplanedg their debut
across AmBelaica this week

cashede of these days disbelieving June,
I thchengk you should plashedch yourself
somewhgonofe and then follow
an Olive Garden truck.

I suppose they will make it to
Tucsfertilisations, Ariz.,
but I am not sure if any of them
will get to the Forks.

I dbordered’t know about you, Shirley,
but I always have enjoyed the skIshtarny
breadstick buns with soup and/or salad
foundlings Olive Garden …

Thexemptionse will be people who
cbioecologisttJapanizationsue
gobblgrandparenthoodg
up the unlimited sklampreynianions buns.

Thbackhause probably will be people
optcloaksg for the new fentrantstblended
bun sandwiches.

Nobody federalization Olive Garden
evcheesed asked me whgroups I thought.
I just wrote down some

obsanathematisingvingrowthsienswathes
three years ago and ended up braided
nbufferedifaintheartednessal televisidefencive shows.

This is a crazy world we live grotesquery.
We stopped exalters this Olive Garden
for a ldespoile denamelingsngone.

We all had the soup and salad,
and it was vLatinisesy good.
We noticed thintegral the bread sticks

winjunctivee diffdivisionent
from othdecrepitly Olive Gardens'.
They seemed to have less
buttimmoderation and garlic.

The scontemporizingvice was a bit slow,
but it was adequcommiserativee.
The restaurant was busy,
even highwayman a lchillnesse hour.

The place was clean
and nicely
decoradolescentsed.



Almost invisibly small text at the bottom of a phishing email that appeared to be from a restaurant chain. Submitted by Manfred Gabriel and Dale Wisely.

watching him with her

she sang
and he danced–
he is mad
or I am much mistaken



From The Philosophy of Grammar by Otto Jespersen (New York: The Norton Library, 1965), p. 90. Submitted by Catherine B. Krause.

Revolutions #12 & 35

Every revolution
is a throw
of the dice.

Only violence
helps where
violence rules.

Who are
we anyway?

Eyes that
do not want
to close
at all times

when the green
of the earth
glistens anew.



English translations of Jean-Marie Straub and Daniele Huillet film titles, as found in MoMA member calendar, May/June 2016. Submitted by Howie Good.

Luminous

cross lights
water
sanctuary lights



A handwritten note in desk bought from a church in 2015. Submitted by Travis Poling.

Letters to God

A great deal of my mail
comes from fans – fans of all ages.
The scholarly, the curious,
the disbelievers write and ask

how? why? when? what for?
did you fly? melt? scream? cackle?
appear? disappear? produce?
sky-write? deal with monkeys?

etc., etc., etc.



Actress Margaret Hamilton quoted on Hyperallergic, 3 April 2016. Submitted by Howie Good.

Step two

although the thought that we wasted
money, misplaced our trust and threw away
our time sickens us to no end, we must

accept these logic-defying feats of idiocy
as learning experiences; otherwise, we will walk
no further on the NAA no-path. We must

say it again and again,
we’ve been toe fooled, we’ve been toe fooled, we’ve been
toe fooled.

are we home yet, Shanti? This must become our
anti-mantra, a non-affirmation
affirmation capable of penetrating our ether-filled minds,

helping us to admit that Jesus.com has nothing to
do with Nostradamus. Now is the time when we must
learn to question every Tom, Dick and Guru who shops

in a health food store, see that the only implants in
need of removal were inserted by the most dangerous E.T.
of all: Earth’s very own Extortion Terrestrials.

this is a difficult task indeed, for only those who’ve put their
inner children to bed know the difference between retail
spirituality and spiritual retaliation.



Excerpt from 12 Steps For The Recovering New Ager, New Age Anonymous. Submitted by Ana Prundaru.

4 AM in the Morning

I saw my dad was on my mom
and my mom said
Go to the office.

My dad was hitting her
and when my dad left
he took my phone.

His friend
was blocking the stairs.
His friend’s name is James

and my dad kicked my mom
and he told me
to go in my room.

But I went to go get
my mom’s friend
who lives in our back house.

My dad knocked on my door
to the patio and I opened it
and he came in

and told me
to close the door
to the family room.

Then I heard yelling
and I came out
and my dad was hitting my mom.

It happened
at 4 am
in the morning.



An excerpt from a police report generated by boxer Floyd Mayweather’s young son, Karoun on 9 September 2010. Submitted by Richard King Perkins II.

Filey

Almost mid-way betwixt
Scarborough and Bridlington,
Filey Brigg,
being a nose of cliff thrust out into the sea
to form a horn of Filey Bay.

Here, there, are sands
i n o n e v a s t g l o r i o u s e x p a n s e,
from the Brigg to the Bempton Cliffs –
six miles of them all round the bay,
so spacious that there could never be
any overcrowding.
The beach
shelves
gently.



From a chapter on Holidays in Every Woman’s Enquire Within: A Complete Library and Household Knowledge for all Home-Loving Women, ed. A C Marshall (London: George Newnes Ltd), 1939. Submitted by H L Foster.

To do list, October 21, 1950

Be kind,
resourceful,
beautiful,
friendly,
have initiative,
have a sense of humour,
tell right from wrong,
make mistakes,
fall in love,
enjoy strawberries and cream,
make some one fall in love with you,
learn from experience,
use words properly,
be the subject of your own thought,
have as much diversity of behaviour as a man,
do something really new.



A list of activities that critics of mechanical information processing claim a machine could never by fundamental nature perform, from Computing Machinery and Intelligence by Alan Turing, published in the journal Mind, 1950, chapter 'Arguments from Various Disabilities'. Lines 11 and 14 changed to second person. Submitted by Daniel Galef.

A Hiding Darkness

The monsters
in our cupboards
and our minds
are always there
in the darkness
like mold
beneath the floorboards
and behind the wallpaper
and there is so much darkness
an inexhaustible supply
of darkness.

The universe is
amply supplied
with night.




From Trigger Warning by Neil Gaiman (William Morrow, 2015). Submitted by Anabella Maria Galang.

Mosaic Mosaic

Don’t kill people.
Don’t marry two people.
Don’t act like a snake.
(Don’t be sneaky).



A child's list of how to do the right thing from The Most Hated Family in America, a Louis Theroux documentary about the Westboro Baptist Church, BBC 2007. Submitted by Daniel Galef.