Almost never losing

My whole life is about winning.
I don’t lose often.

I have a great relationship with the Mexican people.

All of the women on The Apprentice
flirted with me – consciously
or unconsciously.
That’s to be expected.

I have a great relationship with the blacks.

I better use some Tic Tacs
in case I start kissing her.
You know I’m automatically attracted
to beautiful women,
I just start kissing them,
it’s like a magnet.
You know when you’re a star they let you do it.
You can do anything.
Grab them by the pussy.
You can do anything.

I have tremendous respect for the Japanese people.

You know, it really doesn’t matter what they write
as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass.
But she’s got to be young and beautiful.

Part of the beauty of me
is that I am very rich.
A person who is very flat-chested
is very hard to be a 10.

Black entertainers love Donald Trump.

Well, someone’s doing the raping, Don!
I mean, somebody’s doing it.
Who’s doing the raping?

With the proper woman you don’t need Viagra.

I almost never lose.

Who’s doing the raping?



Things that Donald Trump has said, found on The Collected Donald Trump and 32 quotes that sum up Donald Trump’s election campaign. Submitted by Liam Gresby.

Soft-soaping

Blowfly-minded
Retardate worm
Clown of the House

Idle vapourings of a mind diseased
I would cut the honourable gentleman’s
throat if I had the chance

His brains could revolve inside a peanut shell
for a thousand years without touching the sides
Kind of animal that gnaws holes

Member not fit to lick
the shoes of the Prime Minister
Energy of a tired snail returning
home from a funeral

Shut up yourself, you great ape
Snotty-nosed little boy
You are a cheap little twerp
Ridiculous mouse

Could go down the Mount Eden sewer and come up
cleaner than he went in
Dreamed the bill up in the bath
Frustrated warlord



Phrases deemed 'unparliamentary language' and banned from New Zealand parliamentary debates, as listed on Futility Closet, 30th October 2013. Submitted by Marika.

News of the day

Shutdown ends
default dodged

Dodgers refuse
to go quietly



The front page and sports page headlines from the Times Herald-Record, 17th October 2013. Submitted by J R Solonche.

The Shooter

"We do this every night.
We go to a house,
we fuck with some people,
and we leave."

He’s got a gun within reach.
He’s a threat ... in that second
I shot him, two times in the forehead.

Bap! Bap!

The second time as he’s going down.
He crumpled to the floor in front of his bed
and I hit him again.

Bap!

Same place ... he was dead. Not moving.
His tongue was out. I watched him take
his last breaths, just a reflex.

And I remember as I watched him
breathe out the last part of air, I thought:
is this the best thing I’ve ever done, or the worst?



From 'I killed him': US Navy Seal who fired the shot that killed Osama bin Laden breaks his silence, The Independent, 11 February 2013. The words come from the former Navy Seal, with 'on' (line 6) and 'breath' (11) removed. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Game over

Even our ideas
Rick
are most certainly not our own

We have read everything
somewhere
or have heard it
somewhere

We’ve got nothing
really
except each other

And we hate each other



From a discussion of the political divide on Salon.com. Submitted by Wesley Brown.

What is the use of our being told that we live in a democracy if we want fountains and have no fountains?

By all means
let us have a policy
of full employment,
increased production,
no gap between exports and imports,
social security,
a balanced This
and a planned That,

but let us also
have fountains –

more and more fountains –
higher and higher fountains –
fountains like wine,
like blue and green fire,
fountains like diamonds –

and rainbows
in every square.


Taken from J B Priestly's book Delight, first published in 1949. Submitted by Ailsa Holland.

Purge the entire board

Testosterone-fuelled silverbacks
eat what they kill
in under-supervised dealing rooms,
skimming fortunes
from everyone else's endeavour.
So far the remedies are
cough drops for cancer.



Taken from Polly Toynbee's Guardian column, Fri 6 July 2012. Submitted by Rishi Dastidar.

Shreddies

(for Fred Goodwin)

For a few years, Shreddies' advert campaigns
featured a cartoon personification
of 'Hunger' as an antagonist.

He appeared as a blue monster with big teeth
whose goal it was to taunt hungry individuals
by drumming on their stomachs
with a pair of silver spoons.

Hunger would then be dispatched
when the victim consumed
a bowl of shreddies,
sealing hunger inside a shreddie cage.

Despite his troublesome persona,
hunger was frequently used as a mascot
for the cereal during this period.



Taken from the Wikipedia entry on Shreddies on 1st February 2012. Submitted by Nick Asbury.

You can say I am a hater

You can say I am a hater
but I would argue I'm a lover
I'm a lover of traditional families
and of the right of children
to have a father and a mother

I believe the earth gets warmer
and I also believe the earth gets cooler

is anyone saying same-sex couples
can't love each other?
I love my children
I love my friends, my brother
heck, I even love my mother-in-law




Quotes by Rick Santorum, candidate for Republican nomination in the US Presidential elections 2012. Specifically, quotes as they appear in Rick Santorum Quotes As New Yorker Cartoons posted by Jack Shepherd. Punctuation has been stripped out and the 'I'm' of line one turned back to two words for the irresistible rhythm. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Full of dead men's bones

All your talk
about freedom and democracy
is sheer claptrap,
parrot phrases,
fashionable twaddle,
or hypocrisy.
It is just a painted signboard.

And you yourselves are
whited sepulchres. You
are mean-spirited boors,
and your education, culture,
and enlightenment are
only a species of
thoroughgoing prostitution.


A quotation from Lenin's Collected Works, found at Stalin's Moustache. Submitted by Marika Rose.

Vitriol and Opportunity

I would love to say we’ve got a great show for you tonight,
but I’m not sure that’s the case.
Old friends, no one wants to do this listening.
All too often we are here.
Stunned by a crazy that is rarer than we think,
how incredible, the packing of the deceased,
the pain of disturbing nature with a moment of graphic speak,
of toxic and absurdity.

Here we are again, violent.
Vitriol and opportunity on television,
in the way we talk to each other.
Exonerate from blame a reality that we cannot approach verbally.
Our capacity to be horrified by being truly sad.
The shattered lunacy of real dignity,
the sense of such situations.
Senselessness in being cut way too short.

Read up on being numb,
the dispiriting implications,
troubled enemies with families of pain.
Match the forever-paranoid with great rhetorics
of light and thank you.
Never worse than when the actions of madmen take forever.

Don’t you know the leading of thought
away from the tragedy of shame?
How much living and catharsis in predictable crazy.
Something incredibly stupid and silly
that we had previously lost.
Manifestos of anonymous goodness.
More often than not, people creating solace
for tomorrows they’ve never even met.
Wouldn’t it be nice to cause this hyperbole of feeling,
however fleeting?



Taken from the Jon Stewart show after the Tucson shootings, on the 20th January 2011. Submitted by Haley Patail.

The Cut

When I was first elected as a
councillor in Cambridge - many years ago,
I went to a budget survey meeting
with the public in a local shopping
centre which the then Labour council had
arranged.

I was handed a form which gave a list
of spending areas for the budget
debate. It said:

Please tick all those areas where
you would like to see more spending.

I am a small state Conservative in
some ways, and I found many items on
which I wanted to spend more. I was
terribly aware of what went on in
my ward - the lack of provision for young
people, the need to do more in many
areas - and I wanted to tick
many boxes.

However, the Labour council had
sensibly included a proviso,
which said:

All we ask is that for every
box you tick to give more money,
you identify another
item on which you want to spend
less.



Extract from a speech by MP Graham Stuart given in the House of Commons on the 19th January 2011. Submitted by Marika Rose.

Red Friends

Thanks for the e-mail
and of course your husband
will be made welcome at the branch

He is a Comrade toooooooo.



An email received from a local Labour party branch, July 30th 2010. Submitted by Marika Rose.

Elegy from an Opposition

For every child who instead of being cooped up in a small flat
is playing in a brand new children’s centre
- that is Gordon’s legacy.

For every patient who is treated in a brand new hospital,
instead of suffering on a waiting list
- that is Gordon’s legacy.

And for every person in an African village
whose life has been transformed by the cancellation of world debt
- that is Gordon’s legacy
- and it is our legacy too.

We can be proud of what Gordon has done
and thank him from the bottom of our hearts.


From a Labour party email, 12th May 2010. Submitted by Marika Rose.