Pressure

This is a pressurised container.
Open with care.
Avoid physical impact
and extremes of temperature
as this may weaken the bottle.
When opening, hold cap firmly
and point away from people
and fragile objects.

Spotted 27 August 2009 on an M&S Cola bottle. Submitted by Marika Rose.

Dissertation and Independence

The problem of ‘ideology’ and ‘politics'
influencing statistics
affects not only their reliability
and validity,
but also their availability.

In some cases this problem was insurmountable,
and statistics on, for example,
the number of young asylum seekers,
were simply not available;

the discussion section deals with this.

However, rather than allow the availability
of statistics – a political issue -
to shape which variables
I chose to present
data on, I felt a moral

imperative to present the findings with 'gaps'
since, in any case, the gaps
in these statistics spoke perhaps
more, than the statistics
which were available.

From Emma, who sent this excerpt from her 2009 dissertation.

Dear Dear Edmund

TO THE

Gentlemen, Clergy, Yeomanry
AND

FREEHOLDERS

OF THE

County of Devon.

Offers of support from every part of the County
excite my warmest gratitude, and encourage me
to solicit earnestly the personal atttendance
of my friends on the DAY OF NOMINATION,
fixed by the High Sheriff for Saturday the Eleventh
day of May, at Eleven O'Clock at the Castle
of Exeter. Your EARLY appearance on that day
will be essentially important.

My delay PERSONALLY
to acknowledge favours never to be effaced
from recollection,–my unintentional omission
to address EVERY Freeholder in this extensive
County,–must be attributed to the haste and
confusion of the moment, and, more than all,
to my peculiar domestic circumstances.

I have the honour to be,

with the greatest respect,

GENTLEMEN,

your devoted humble servant,

Edmund Pollexfen Bastard.

I have been staying in a holiday cottage in Devon, UK, where this letter was framed on the wall. Underneath was the description: 'This letter, dated 1816, the year after the Battle of Waterloo, fell down from behind the living room mantelpiece when the Old Rectory was being restored.' It was sent from 'COMMITTEE-ROOM, Gandy's Street, Exeter, 29th April 1816'. I've tried to recreate the drama of the emphatic styling from the original letter. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Up the Wall

Hey ... sending hugs!
Going to visit your mum
and friday ... fun at the farm.

Found fantastic bright red sofa
for lounge will be so much fun.
Kidz in paddlin pool today yes pool
it was lovely x Paula was

given fish by fisherman at loch ...
had it for their tea.
man want to give them fly fishin lessons!
joseph and Paul very keen

x love and hugs x you doin ok?

By Heather, from 5 August 2009. Facebook wall post from one friend to another. Original punctuation but with punctuation marks greatly reduced.

Breaking the Rules

the original source,
word for word.
Isn't a poem
(only in matters of style)

Cunningly;
words invent
spoken or graphical sources;
In italics or speech marks.

Extract whole excerpts,
keeping them…
…unpunctuated!
And arrange them in lines ☺

Capitalise line beginnings,
to show the veracity of the excerpts.
you may choose whether or not to…
… disguise personal names!

Exercise poetic licence,
Invent punctuation,
E.g. render numerals or symbols as…
YOUR OWN TITLE!!!!!!!!!!

Dan has literally broken the rules.

Bagpuss

Once upon a time, not so long ago,
there was a little girl and her name was Emily.
And she had a shop – there it is.
It was rather an unusual shop
because it didn't sell anything.
You see, everything in that shop window
was a thing that somebody had once lost,
and Emily had found,
and brought home to Bagpuss.

Emily's cat Bagpuss:
the most important –
the most beautiful –
the most magical –
saggy old cloth cat in the whole wide world.

Well now, one day Emily found a thing
and she brought it back to the shop
and put it down in front of Bagpuss
who was in the shop window fast asleep as usual.
But then Emily said some magic words:

Bagpuss, dear Bagpuss,
old fat furry catpuss,
wake up and look at this thing that I bring.
Wake up, be bright,
be golden and light;
Bagpuss, oh hear what I sing.

And Bagpuss was wide awake.
And when Bagpuss wakes up
all his friends wake up too:
the mice on the mouse-organ woke up and
stretched; Madeleine, the rag doll; Gabriel,
the toad; and last of all, Professor Yaffle,
who was a very distinguished old woodpecker.

He climbed down off his bookend and went to see
what it was that Emily had brought.



The voiceover from the beginning of each and every episode of Bagpuss, a UK children's TV programme from 1974. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Who Are You Looking For?

Who are you looking for?
Penelope Twee –
Search for a username,
first or last name.
Did you mean Penelope Tree?
We
couldn't find anyone named
Penelope Twee.

Who are you looking for?
Gilbert Same –
Search for a username,
first or last name.
Did you mean Gilbert Lee?
We
couldn't find anyone named
Gilbert Same.

Who are you looking for?
John Bob Bobson –
Hmm. Our
name search server seems
to have wandered off.

Who are you looking for?
Wigan Pier –
Sorry, but
you've reached your limit
on searches for now.



These are the words, in order, on the Find People page of Twitter and what happened when I entered the names above. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Full Metal Jacket

RORG, 06–04–09

Twenty carts

:5.56 mm

LIVE!

L18A1

Handle with care. May cause death.

By Rupert, seen 15 August 2009. It gives me great pleasure to know a member of the Parachute Regiment (UK) was looking at his ammo box and thinking of poetry. This is from the BAE packaging for 5.56mm rifle ammunition.

The Top Ten Weirdest

The top ten
weirdest and funniest
Japanese condoms. Ten
ways to have fun with boobs. Fifteen

ads that prove
sex sells ... best? Thirteen
haunted houses that will make you wet
your pants. Girls get

the anime look with extra-wide
contact lenses. Fresh
baked bread, anyone?
Gruesome body bakery. Fifteen

strange and bizarre gifts
for the weirdos in your
life. World's first
eyeball tattoo – ouch! Ten

types of women you
need to avoid. The top ten
weird and bizarre
Japanese soft drinks.



The top ten All-time most popular articles on inventorspot.com, as of 13 August 2009. Re-ordered, but otherwise unchanged. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Steam Room Rules

Shower
before entering avoid contact with steam
inlet No
shaving permitted
No persons
under fifteen years permitted in steam
bath Do not
add essence



By Heather. Total Fitness steam room rules, seen 5 August 2009.

Hose on Charlie's Nose

–Drip. Drip. Drip.

Charlie, can I ask you a favour?
will it be alright if I stick my hose
on the end of your nose
because we need a lot more water
to wash the soap off Button Moon.

Of course you can Small. Come on,
Charlie, get ready to be turned on.

–I don't want a hose
on the end of my nose.
I'll look like an elephant.

O but Charlie, just think,
you'll be doing a great job.
Your cold water will be cleaning
Button Moon.

Please Charlie.

–Alright Small,
just for you.
Go on.
Stick it on.

Small, when you're ready
for Charlie to be turned on
you just call out
and I'll get soggy cloth.
He spends most of his time
sitting over there in that soap dish.
It's about time he did some work.

Sorry Captain Large,
I've got the other end of the hose
but I don't know what to do with it.

–Look Small, we're running out of time
so you give me the hose and I'll do it
while you operate the remote control.

You might as well get ready to turn him on.
Slurp. Slurp. Slurp.

–Oh well done Small.
Now you can press the button
nice and slow.

I've never worked these before.

–Oooooh.



My kids were watching Button Moon and the dialogue caught my ear. Button Moon is a British children's TV series with puppets broadcast in the 1980s. The dialogue above is from the episode 'Hose on Charlie's Nose.' Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

I Find the College

I find the college...
infinitely the best in the university;
for it is the smallest,
and it is filled with lawyers,
who have lived in the world,
and know how to behave.
Whatever may be said to the contrary,
there is certainly very little
debauchery in this university,
especially among the people of fashion.



An unattributed quotation on page 9 of 'The University of Cambridge', an "unofficial history produced by the University of Cambridge Board of Continuing Education for the use of participants in its courses". Submitted by Gabriel Smy.