Case History 5.1

The paramedics will be arriving
In four minutes
With a 34 year old patient who has
A blood pressure
Of 80 millimetre of mercury
(Systolic)
And a stab wound to the back,
between the shoulder blades.

What form of shock might this patient be
suffering from:

Haemorrhagic shock?
Pump failure due to pericardial tamponade?
Pump failure due to tension pneumothorax?
Neurogenic shock due to spinal cord transection?

All are possible.

What action may be necessary?



Case history taken from CCrISP (Care of the Critically Ill Surgical Patient), 2003, submitted by Jim.

Keep It Pimpin'

Get more serious about my money
and future. Treat this pimpin like its
a business only except their best.
Take care my bitches more better.

The other ways to work my hoes
internet, int. feature dancers, int. stuff.
Discover hoes from all over
Jail house, small cities, nationwide got hoes
that are waiting to be discovered.

Stay in high pursuit
looking for a prostitute.
Don't never get too comfortable
or lazy in my position.

Maintain and campaign everything I do
or buy make sure it's a campaign tool.
Make my word is my bond keep it pimpin!
Attend the Players Ball in Vegas
Cross country pimpin!
Establish my name internationally.

Take my game to the next level
from the concrete streets,
to the executive suites.
Pimp or die;
mack or cry
play to win
and plan to the end.

Set up a international operation
have five hoes on every continent,
make every hoe take a vow to hoeing!
Purse first, ass last!
If I'm gonna take a chance,
then I'm gonna take the hoes money in advance!

Put my city on the map and establish my own player
Stack money to the ceiling safety deposit box.
Cash cars buy alot good cash cars that way
I will always have cars if something goes bad.

Minimumize my budget cash cars, houses.
Keep a good photographer
split second video/kings flea market.
Get in touch with big Al out of Florida.



The business plan of a pimp presented by US prosecutors in Oakland, from Youth Radio, via kottke. The several parentheses have been italicised instead and basic punctuation added where not in the original. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

In Case of a German

Between dog and wolf
– horse horse tiger tiger –
rabbit skins are falling.

A mute eating yellow lotus,
like a bee to a crying face;
thinking about the immortality of the crab.
It rains enough to drink while standing up.

The devil knows more for being old
than for being the devil. He'd steal 
your chickens and beg for eggs.
Speaking of Cao Cao, Cao Cao is here:
he's trying to shit higher than his ass can reach.

Never say that priest is not my dad –
this ain't my first rodeo.
Every creature that walks ends up in a grill.
If you are going to screw me, at least give me 
a kiss, oiling your moustache in anticipation
of the jackfruit tree bearing fruit.



Foreign sayings from a multitude of other languages, including the title (from Polish), all taken from a Reddit discussion about culturally untranslatable phrases started 3 December 2010. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Park Life

Took nuts w me to the park today
Squirrel sat on my lap

Closest I'll ever get
To anyone

(Eating out of the palm of my hand...)



Text message from a sister, submitted by Steve Kirk.

Always

It is always okay
to paint the sky orange
and give cats six legs.



From the blog post What Should a 4 Year Old Know? The first line is one syllable too long for a proper senryu/haiku but close enough. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

Names Dropped

A! Tis some stale thorn.
I ache rich ballads, M!
I'm stagy when neer.
Live merman: hell.
Awful killin' Erma!
Makz 'n nice compote



Anagrams of eminent authors by Edmund Wilson in 1953, taken from Futility Closet. Submitted by Marika Rose.

Custom Dictionary

Aaaargh
aaargh
Arse

Bakewell
Baldy
buggeration
Bunnyface

colposcopy
Columbus
Cressida
Cumbria
Didsbury
Dimbleby
Duffer
dunno

Eon
Ecton
Er…

fab
FAB
Facebook
fishcake
fuck’em
Fulham

Gawain
goblins
got’em
grrr

haiku
hardcore
hubris
huzzah!

id
Ikea
Ingerland

jetlagged
Jodrell
Jonathan
Jonks

Kendrick
Kevinless
kissed

Lavinia
Lesbiana
Liverpuddle
luvverly

m’dear
Macaulay
Merseyside
Me
mercies
miseries
mockingbird
Monterey

narrowboats
needlecraft
nob

Orla
ooh
Oooh
ORLA
Ovaltine
ovulating

PDFs
PMS
PJs
pissed
podcast
poeting
pootling
Prokoviev
Psychicbread
quilting
Quorn


ravishing
Rayleigh
rehydrated
revelatory
RSPB
RSVP

Sadlergate
Sandiway
Sandringham
Sarge
Sauvignon
Sellotape
sleepyhead
sparrowfart

Tamworth
Tesco
thingybob
Thinkpad
tinternet
tirribly
topsy
Tupperware
turvy
Um…

undelete
Undercliffe

vengeful
vergers

weirdly
Whitby

whooping
whortleberries

Xanthe
Xmas

yay
!



From the custom dictionary on my phone – these are all the words my phone has learnt from me. Submitted by Jo Bell.

Fifteen Minutes More

Our French dream is over . . .
and now I fear for our
happy marriage, says
Lauren Booth.

Lauren Booth: I changed my
Facebook profile after
a row and now my husband
is in a coma.

I asked him: 'Do you know
who I am?' reveals
Lauren Booth as her husband
emerges from a coma.

Lauren Booth thanks God her
husband survived a
horrific motorbike
accident but confesses:
The man I loved is dead.

Lauren Booth wrote about
dumping her husband on
Facebook and his terrible
road accident but now
her mother-in-law asks:
Why can't we keep
this in the family?

Lauren Booth: why I hate
my mother and never
want to see her again.



Daily Mail headlines featuring Lauren Booth, collected by the Guardian's Lost in Showbiz blog, 28th October 2010. Submitted by Marika Rose.

Last in Translucent

Even the Euro
began pouring into play to
many, leading. Them, they were not realising. You
don't recognise your new problems.
Ridiculed in six weeks prior.
I live, come together and help each other.
The people make nearly all of our racquetball a Guerrier Gordon
show.
I’m just a troll and eastern European
multi-area -
are you good at that?
Seven as the sun.
Ronald book on Dearing committee
once upon
or start flooding in to Western Europe.

Your
store
asking questions take the altered
e.g. the Tories blame rather half
crosses on grounds of grown ups, windows monuments
he rose to the person.



The result of using new dictation software for the very first time to transcribe an interview, 18 November 2010. Almost none of the words are correct. Submitted by Rachel Helen Smith.

Planned Engineering Works

Sorry, I am so fucked!
Picc and vic lines down
(At least it sounds funny)
On a bus
will need +1 more bus
or 2 more tubes
Going to be very late
I am so sorry.




Text message sent by a friend running late for dinner, 13th November 2010. Submitted by Fiona Green.

Adventually

Make christmas pictures. Make christmas toy lists.
Ete mints pies. Decorate bedroom and hotel.
Dress up toys. Reef up. Watch mupits christmas
charle. Make Santa's house out of lego.

Make christmas cards. Christmas tree or read
christmas story. Watch Narnea. Watch Shreck
the holls. An activity scene out.
Dressing gouns on. Deckarate tree. Play games.

Rein dear sweet thing. Dress Atticus up
as Jeses. Make crackers and biscits.
Play in the snow if there is any.
Take pictures of Robings. Sing Rudeof

the red knose Raindear. Put stockings out.
Put mints pies and drink for Santa.



An advent calendar of 24 things to do before Christmas made by my seven-year-old son, with the numbers removed but in his original order. Penned 26 October 2010. Notes: 'Reef' means wreath; the 'Rein dear sweet thing' is a reindeer-shaped sweet dispenser; Atticus is his baby brother. Submitted by Gabriel Smy.

With This Ring

Diana, the bride

at every royal funeral

and the mourner at

every royal wedding, was

present in more than

just the engagement ring which

sat so heavily

on the hand of this young woman

who must now walk a

mile in her bloodied shoes, on

a road leading who knows where.



Julie Birchill in the Independent, quoted by the Daily Mash, 17th November 2010. Submitted by Marika Rose.